To an outsider, a quick glance through my Twitter account would probably lead someone to falsely believe that we’re a big sports city here in Portland. Maybe we are but after four years here I’m still not 100% sure. As I occasionally managed to peak through todays tweets I certainly saw quite a few references to sports but I’d be lying if I said I gave a crap about many of the tweets. If it wasn’t yet another tired mention of LeGarrette Blounts’ newfound boxing career then it was the supercharged excitement over the official start of the 2009 NFL season tonight, featuring an all out yawnfest between the Steelers and the Titans (who, as I write this, are tied at 10 each and heading into overtime because everyone watching needed a little extra sleep). The really desperate types are actually following the (hahaha!) Mariners in lieu of an MLB team here.
Big deal. So you have a hard-on for unsportsmanlike conduct or fancy overpaid and overrated football teams from thousands of miles away. Meanwhile something extraordinary is happening in your own backyard Portland, and barely a word about it makes the headlines from any one of your obnoxious bald sports journalists because they’re too busy fretting over one douchehead smacking another douchehead in the face at an after school game. How cute.
Yeah, that’s right – I’m talking about the Mutherfucking Portland Timbers. Yes, the Timbers – the only real game in town worth a shit right now. The Timbers – the team that’s one game away from clinching the First Division title with a win against Austin tomorrow night – a home game no less. The team who, in less than two years, will be joining the MLS and are already proving to their fans that they are the real damn deal and have a following so rabid that I get a fucking boner every time I hear a Timbers Army chant.
Yes, The Goddamn Glorious Portland Timbers – a local sports team that doesn’t get shit for press around here and haven’t been a trending topic on the Twitter because they actually go out and play to win instead of acting like cockheads. Yes, a real sports team that wins games. Do I see anyone singing their praises from The Oregonian? Sure. Shawn Levy, The Oregonian movie critic. That’s right, our city is so ass backward fucked up when it comes to sports that I’m more interested in what the newspapers movie critic thinks about sports than the NBA skirt chasing twit that writes the rest of the crap sports column.
The Fucking Timbers. Because when you’re that fucking good I really don’t care if the rest of the city gives a shit or not – anyone who matters will either be on the pitch or yellin’ their asses off for you, you fantastic fucking bastards.
Oh look, in the amount of time it took me to type this the Steelers have bested the Titans with a field goal. And all you football lovin’ sissies that say soccer is a drag just watched a kicker win a 3.5 hour bore-a-thon – that’s right, a damn kicker.
Disclaimer: I love NFL football but I can’t imagine giving two shits about two dainty bitch teams like the Steelers or the Titans. Don’t agree? Eat me and watch a real sport, pussy.
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We’re gonna win the league, we’re gonna win the league, I do know how, I do know when, we’re gonna win the league! Tonight!!!
*high five!*
TOP OF THE LEAGUE AND WE’RE TAKING A PISS!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Wagner thank you for the all-too-appropriate response to anyone’s complaint about the lack of TRUE football in mainstream media. In American football, the game is secondary. High-calorie food, beer and commercials are in the foreground. If Portland wants a real sport, it’s on the MAX line and costs 12 bucks. Just don’t bitch about smoke bombs.
WE ARE GREEN, WE ARE WHITE, WE ARE FUCKING DYNAMITE!!