The Average Modern Portlander continues to remain a mystery to me. Here we are, making the grade on the lists of healthiest cities in the country and at the same time we’re oh so miserable. We strive to eat organic but we pride ourselves in our mass consumption of local beer – because everyone knows that ample amounts of beer contributes to a slimmer, trimmer Portlander waistline. Oh wait, we’re bicycle enthusiasts too so we’ll just peddle off those pounds. After riding a few miles we’ll swing by Whiffies for a fried pie because it’s local but we’d freak out at the mere thought of buying shit food from the likes of Burger King. Then it’s back on the bike again, or maybe participate in a marathon or two. Pile it on, burn it off, repeat.
Sometimes I wonder if we’re just completely incapable of letting go, even just for one day out of the year, and indulging ourselves in something tasty without worrying about where it came from or whether it will require adding another notch to our belts for a day or two. We talk about comfort food like it’s a kitschy novelty that can only be dished out at the kitschiest of restaurants, yet we’re home to the Bacon Maple Bar – has that ever made sense? Not really. It’s not the weather that gets us down, no, it’s our inability to escape our own self-imposed guilt – drink yourself stupid, eat a bunch of shit that’s bad for us, exercise like crazy the next day, and then spend the rest of the week eating bark and sprouts and pretending we’re oh so progressive compared to the rest of the country when it comes to health.
Now we can’t even spare that most indulgent of annual events, the state fair. The Oregon State Fair is where we’re supposed to go to spend the day eating irresponsibly. You’re supposed to have a funnel cake and an elephant ear and you’re supposed to have fun doing it. You’re supposed to enjoy greasy barbecue while walking around the fairgrounds checking out prize pigs. You’re supposed to top the whole thing off with sugar-laden beverages. You’re supposed to live it up and let it go for one single damn day each and every year.
So why do Portlanders insist on ruining it for themselves?
Yesterday a friend of mine extolled the virtues of a vegan cheesesteak he ate at the fair. IT’S NOT A CHEESESTEAK IF IT DOESN’T HAVE MEAT IN IT YOU DUMBASS! He expresses excitement about Veggie Dogs and Tofurkey and all sorts of terrible un-fun and extremely un-State Fair foods. He infers that this is makes it a very Oregon style fair. I say bullshit. I say there’s some people out in the Oregon sticks that realize just how much we love being a pack of guilty pussies and they’re smarter than we are and know how to take our Portland New Media Design and Creative Brainiac Firm money. You sucker.
This morning I want to smack The Oregonian collectively upside the head for publishing this piece of depressing slop about how fatty and high calorie the food at the fair is. I want to slap them again for trying to pass the article off as though it’s written for the “calorie conscious” because that’s a load of crap. By describing author (and so called “Calorie King”) Allan Borushek as having an “imperious gaze” they’re treating him as a holier than thou expert in food guilt. That’s fine, BUT THIS IS THE STATE FAIR YOU MORONS! What you’re really suggesting is that we, the fine and apparently culinary health confused citizens of Portland, don’t deserve to have fun at the state fair anymore – we’re too fucking hip and health conscious for our own good and it’s better to be drinking some crappy freshly squeezed wheatgrass juice than a good old fashion lemonade. Chili dogs for the kids? Oh hell no. The kids should have a lunch that makes them a pack of sad pussies too, perhaps some shish kabob veggies on a stick made from 75% recycled material and dulled on either end so that they can’t possibly hurt themselves. Yes, because we might as well start them off young. That’s ok, it’ll keep the lines at the rides shorter because, just like you, they’ll whine about how they get “vertigo and nausea” on anything that spins, goes faster than 4 miles an hour, or suspends gravity for longer than a minute.
I’m no health expert, not by a long shot, but I do know one thing – if we can’t all just flip the bird to health for one single goddamn day out of the year and indulge ourselves in a simple funnel cake then we’re going to remain The Unhappiest City in the Whole Damn United States. That’s right, our unhappiness will become a thing of legend. Where’s the fun in that?
Oh wait, we’re Portlanders, we’re not supposed to have fun – not without 16 ounces of pureed nonfat organic guilt to go along with it.
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Well put Wagner.
Indulgent junk food FTW!
For the record, after I ate that vegan cheesesteak, I felt odd. Then, 20 minutes later, I was hungry again. A funnel cake did the trick.
Then, dinner time: all you can eat BBQ. 3 rounds of pork, beef, mac ‘n cheese, cole slaw, more pork, chicken and 5 rolls.
I felt much better and more human.
Don’t lie granolie !!!
Christ man… I said eat a hot dog or a funnel cake, not kill yourself.
Finally a post that understands the role of Fair food. Originally Midwestern raised, since I’ve been in Portland, I appreciate the “healthy consciousness”, but I don’t see why people would goto the State Fair and not want to enjoy the food..even if it kills you, because in the end we’re all compost.
When I went to State Fairs it’s all about the elephant ears and overpriced “bad” food, if they start making Tofuears.. I’d run away screaming.
I need to take issue with this one guys. Our new world is full of foods that are so bad for our bodies that we have a right to know what our food contains. Maybe you don’t understand the reasons why there are laws now that require fast food chains to display the dangers of their menu but some of us appreciate it. Why should the fair be an exception to the rule? I like that The O gave some insight into what the fair food contains. To each their own.
Why would you eat at Burger King when there’s Burgerville. Mmmm. Burgerville. nomnomnom