That’s what the letter inside the envelope says anyway, personally I think “congratulations” is a little inappropriate but that’s just me. I understand jury duty, why we need it, why it doesn’t pay a whole lot, the whole nine yards – and I’m just fine with that. The problem is that the jury I’ve been selected to be congratulated for is in Seattle, Washington.
In November I will have been a resident of Portland for four years. Much to my dismay I’ve owned a property in Seattle this entire time but I’ve made it pretty clear to the City of Seattle that I no longer live there. Back in May I was selected to perform my civic duty – in Seattle. My father had picked up my mail at my place up there and notified me right away and sent the summons down to me (he’s a pretty cool guy like that). I made the obligatory phone call to the King County Jury Selecting Nazis up in Seattle and, once I managed to get through the 80 minute automated phone system, spoke with a woman who agreed that a resident of Portland, Oregon would probably not make an effective juror in Seattle. She assured me at the time that even though their computer system was down that day she would make sure to pull me off of the list and make the necessary corrections. She took my name, new address, the whole bit – hell, she even repeated it all back to me.
Two weeks later my dad calls me again to tell me that I’ve received another envelope from the King County Superior Court System. I tell him to open it and he proceeds to read it. Lucky me, I’ve been excused from jury duty because the case has been settled out of court. Okay…
Fast forward to two weeks ago. My dad calls yet again… “Hey guess what you got in your mail yesterday… You’ve been selected to perform jury duty in Seattle”. What the hell? So I get my badge number yet again, unimpressed with the fine court system in Seattle at this point, and I call them again only this time there isn’t even an option to bypass the answering system. Apparently when the court system computers are actually functioning correctly no one is required to answer their phones. Undaunted, I try another section of their website where I find that I can change my address to my address in Portland and give an excuse to be dismissed. Cool. No big deal. About two hours goes by and I receive a return response stating that my request has been DENIED (yes, in all caps) and that I am to report to jury duty in Seattle on September 14th or face the possibility that a warrant will be issued for my arrest. It would seem that people in Seattle are so desperate NOT to perform jury duty that they are considered ‘on the lamb’ if they don’t jump at the chance for a free $2 bus ticket and $20 a day. Gosh, I can’t imagine why.
So by this point I’m freaked. What is so difficult about understanding that I NO LONGER LIVE IN SEATTLE? To make matters worse, my father was so kind as to remind me that “sometimes the court system gets together with the police and they conduct sting operations that way – they try to catch deadbeat dads and drug dealers by seeing who will turn up for jury duty.” Oh fucking great. Then I realize that I’ve never had a child and I’ve only ever bought drugs, not sold them (as long as you don’t count that bag of catnip I sold to my friends asshole little brother back in ‘91). What the hell could they possibly want from me?
I email back and suggest that maybe, just maybe, a 180 mile trek up north across state lines might just be a little excessive for $20 and a bus ticket. Another 2 hours goes by and I get another reply – “Did you change your address in our system?” – why yes I did. “Well, please try again.” – so I do. Another hour goes by and I get my final reply stating “I’ve looked over your request and it looks like you don’t live here anymore. Best of luck.”
NO FUCKING SHIT I DON’T LIVE THERE ANYMORE! I’ve now told you that three times, typed my new address and information into your stupid online system twice, and told the only living breathing human ever to answer your phones that back in fucking May! I’m a little miffed (and a little paranoid because now I’m wondering if I actually have an illegitimate kid somewhere that I need to put through college and I was just too busy selling drugs to remember) – so I do what anyone would do, I complain. I write a nice long message about how fucking stupid all of this is and how it just plain sucks that they can’t use a computer in magnificent and oh-so-high-tech Seattle. This afternoon, I got a reply…
“Your request to be EXCUSED from your current jury service has been DENIED. You are STILL REQUIRED to report to the King County Superior – Seattle on your original summons date.”
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Fuck your life dude. If it isn’t bums shitting in front of you on Burnside it’s bureaucracy.
King County only pays $10 per day. Over half the people summoned never show up and the court does not issue a warrant for any of these people.
So they just claim that they issue warrants for those people that don’t show?
From their website:
RCW:2.36.170: It is a crime for any person summoned for jury service to intentionally fail to appear as directed.
In my letter from them it specifically states that they issue warrants for anyone that fails to appear. I get it, they need jurors, and I honestly have no problem with any of this except that I DON’T LIVE THERE.
Their “warrants” are no good outside of WA.
I got a jury duty summons here in Multnomah Co. but it was to my old apartment and I had just moved about three weeks prior. So, I grabbed up a voters reg form, changed my address and pretended like I never saw the old one. I DID move, after all. Not everyone has great ex’s that will forward mail.