Lady, I’m Going To Shove Your Shitty Volvo 240 DL Station Wagon Up Your Ass

Dear Hippie,

At the risk of sounding like I’m condoning violence toward women, it has come to my attention that you should be beaten to mush. You are obviously unaware that there are indeed other cars on the road otherwise you would learn to drive that heap of shit you call a “car”. While on Powell this afternoon you changed lanes without signalling not once, not twice, but three times – and twice nearly clipped my automobile in the process. When you weren’t speeding up to cut me off you were slowing down to an excruciating 15mph to point at things. What the fuck is wrong with you? Let’s examine…

• Your most prominent bumpersticker suggests that we should “CO-EXIST”. Obviously you don’t mean that. Instead, you’ve decided that co-existance means that you should be able to do what you want, when you want, and I should accept it because you’re a “Weird Portlander”
• I’m guessing, based on bumper sticker #2, that you actually voted for John Kerry in 2004. That would make sense – he couldn’t make up his fucking mind about anything either and I’m sure something as simple as a lane change stumped his pea-sized brain as well.
• You like both the Ducks AND the Beavers? Please. It’s just more hugs and indecision.
• You’ve decided that Darwin ate the Jesus Fish. That must be an easy one for you. That way you don’t have to acknowledge that there is a SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR PEOPLE THAT DRIVE LIKE YOU.
• Lastly, your bright purple sticker claims that you’re some kind of witch and that magic is “afoot”. Well, cool – I’m going to take my “afoot” and kick you so hard in the “abutt” that you’ll taste my socks on your breath until next Christmas.

Is there some kind of manual that comes with every rusty, shitty Volvo 240 DL that states that you must drive like a fucking dickweed in order to sit behind the wheel? I have nothing against Volvo but really, how is it that every one of these fucking things is owned by some space cadet herbal-healing-spiritualist dipshit with extremely long wirey grey hair and sandals?

Related posts:

1. To the Kindly Elderly Lady Across the Hall
2. Some asshole stole Christmas from this Portland family.
3. One Important Thing Not Taught at PSU…
4. Speeding. It’s the New Drunk Driving.
5. Congratulations, You’ve Been Selected For Jury Duty

Tagged as: Damn Hippies, Lousy Drivers, Oregon Highways, Portland Drivers, Volvo 240 DL