Remember all of those crappy VHS movies you rented back in the 80’s? The direct-to-video garbage about the treacherous CIA turncoats that travelled the globe selling government secrets, fucking hot blondes with big boobs, laundering money, and assassinating foreign dignitaries? Sure you do. Sadly, we’re reminded again this week just how full of crap those movies really were. The sad truth is, Oregon’s A-List Numero Uno Commie CIA Spy Bastard, Jim Nicholson, is nothing more than a pathetic Kenny Loggins look-alike that was dumb enough to wear a pro-KGB t-shirt and have his picture taken (see image at right – nice bandana!).
Arrested back in 1997, Nicholson is back in the news this week because he’s been using his son Nathan to collect on old debts from the Russians for secrets he sold in his heyday. Nathan is just about as dumb as his dad, completely unaware that he was being watched by better, stronger, faster spies who saw right through his ploy to smuggle meager cash payments in PlayStation video game cases. “What?!” you say? Yes, you read that right – like father, like son – the Russians couldn’t have picked two dimmer bulbs with which to steal our treasured national secrets.
Let this be a lesson to you, kids. The next time you’re watching Quantum of Solace or Die Another Day, please remember, real world superspy villains never have wicked gadgets, they don’t hang out with Grace Jones, and they’re never as fuckin’ cool as Jonathan Pryce.
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